What my intentions are and what I actually manifest rarely ever align themselves, but at least I recognize this? Right? That's a step in the correct direction, if there is ever a correct direction...right? I spend too much time thinking in terms of right or wrong, as if everything is really that cut and dry, black and white, Edward and Jacob. Wait...what?
Last week was phenomenal. This week, I'm drowning. I'm questioning everything I do, I think, and say. What kind of life is it to constantly sit in inquiry and mull over the things you did, thought, and said? Yay to thinking in inquiry--and a big fat nay for the mulling of things. I know that we can only become better versions of ourselves if we sit and meditate and ask questions of ourselves--searching for understanding seems to be man's "groove." But to rip yourself to shreds is not apart of said groove.
I feel so far away from home right now and I'm not even talking about "family" home. I'm referring to "me" home. Perhaps I should rephrase that, the border patrol might pick me up for sounding like an immigrant. A few months ago I was soooo gung ho about what I wanted and who I was, and I feel like I've fallen into a tiny ravine. I'm pulling myself out of it, for sure--I can see the bright sunlight, hear the birds cheering me on, but I'm not there just yet.
I've noticed that when I am completely dissatisfied with my life, my living space becomes too cluttered--and last night I did an overhaul. Throwing out things that I neither need nor want and I feel 100 times better. So that's a positive thing. My Yia Yia once saw and episode of Dr. Phil and he said on the program that people who are terrible house keepers have something mentally wrong with them. I vehemently disagreed with her. But now I see where they may have a point. Having a cluttered mind translates to having a cluttered living space. You hold onto things that you don't need, because you're afraid that if you let go, then you'll drop everything that you've been holding onto. You know that you're not in any position to pick up anything else, but these things have grown attached to you, and you to them. So you hold on. Look for a bigger space so that you can put more things in places, but in all actuality, you're enabling yourself to hold on to more and more crap. When you just need to let go. Let go of the hurt, the shame, the guilt. Only when are arms are truly open can we receive the things we really want and need, not what we think we want and need.
I've been creating this curriculum for the JR high kids that asks the question, "Are we over medicating our kids?" And I came across a pretty interesting statistic--our brains do not fully mature until we're thirty. THIRTY! So it's no wonder that I don't have all of my shit completely straightened out yet--I'm just now getting to maturity! ^^ Oh humor, you never fail me.
I've started the "what the hell am I going to do after Korea" talks and I'm still at a loss. I yearn for stability and discipline but I can't seem to get my mind to understand that just because I have discipline doesn't mean that I can't have creativity. I'm working on this concept and it seems really easy to understand but I've had this block against discipline for so long that it brings Pink Floyd's "The Wall" to a whole new level.
The saga continues I suppose.
Who's up for some pictures?
This is a plate my sister can appreciate. ^^
Sandrich anyone?
This is the Starbucks in Insadong--it's the only one I know of that the sign is written in Korean. Holla!
Because we all need a little style...or styl even.
Does this font look familiar? Hello pirated Disney font!!
Sigh. Okay. I feel a little better. I'm seeing Harry Potter after work tonight so it's time to say "expelliarmus" to these crummy feelings.
xox
c
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